Stay the course

My present station in life kinda made me recall my sailing days. When sailing, in order to get from one point to another, i had fix my eyes on a point of reference in the horizon and sailed towards it in order to stay on course. Having done so, it was still impossible to sail in a straight line as the currents and winds casued me to drift. I guess life is like that and sometimes i get blown off course and it is frustrating. But the point in the horizon is home and a victors crown awaits at the end of the race no matter how far we drift, that if we fix our eyes on Him, we will be able to stay the course no matter waht the circumstances - favourable or unfavourable.

Life kinda sucks now. Nothing seems to be going right and its bleak man. But my dad used to remind me of this scripture by Habakkuk.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." (3:17-19)

Deeper In Love

This song has seen me through the years and its once again a timely reminder that only Christ can satisfy completely.

Deeper In Love
There is a longing only You can fill
A raging temptest only You can still
My soul is thirsty
LordTo know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before your throne

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunriseI will seek Your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Rescue Me

I am overwhelmed. I want to run away, far far away.

"I need You Jesus, come to my rescue, where else can i go. There's no other name by, which i am saved. Capture me with grace, I will follow You."

Im facing my toughest test since i started work and its all because of people. Can one be selfless in the midst of self centeredness? How far can one allow others to take advantage of kindness without responding in kind? What should my response be to such circumstances? I want to grab them by their collars and plummet them to the ground and wring their necks till they gasp for want of air. That is my human nature screaming.

But the still small voice of the Spirit calls out, and I am now faced with a choice, to pause or allow the loud cry of my desires to drown Him out. To wage a war of attrition, with my oppressors or to yield in meekness. I am in a conundrum.

But i know what i need to do. I need to kneel in submission before my Lord and acknowledge my helplessness with this current situation. I need strength greater than mine. I need my character to be restrained and molded into His likeness.

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out . . . You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you."

What are u passionate about?

This has been on my mind for some time and im gonna write as honestly as i can.

Jenn and Joey were talking about passion about a month back over dinner one night and they shared about their passion for the youths and how much they enjoy impacting the lives of the young people. Then Joey asked me what my passion in life was and for a moment i kenna stunn. I couldnt really give and answer to that question.

Ive been in ministry for a very long time, but the last few years were the years i felt "i was there but not there". I was serving but my relationship with God was distant and cold and my ministry was out of my own effort and ability. As a result it was alright organisationally but it lacked power and love.

I realise now that the most important relationship, is our relationship with God. It determines the success of every other relationship and every aspect of our lives. When I was distant , i realised that i had become very self centred and inward looking. The only things that matter were my comfort and enjoyment. As a result ministry became a burden and an additional load on top of school. Instead of drawing me closer to God, it weighed me down. With such an approach, i found it difficult to minister and be there for my boys. I wished i could have hung out more with them, found out how they were doing, made myself available throughout their most formative years and i guess it is a regret that i will always have. But yet i thank God that in spite of my inadequacy and lack of commitment, He still worked in their lives and saw them through. It is a great joy to see the likes of HCH, Sam, Hoho, Tat Wai, Lee He, small and big Josh, Justin all growing and serving.

So, coming back to the question "What am i passionate about?" I guess ive reached a point where i can say that my passion is about knowing my God more and more each day.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Phil 3:10,11)

Its been a struggle as it demands discipline and sacrifice to take time off to seek God and realign my desires and will to His. One thing that i want to grow in is to be able to be still and listen to God's leading and direction in my life and for the ministry.

Through the months i've grown more and more in my walk and i see a change in my character and in the way i love others. I guess its a process of transformation and conforming to the Christ's likeness and i am thankful for it. Really reminds me of Paul who says that there is nothing good within him and all that is good is really because of Christ.

Another area is that of my region. Some of you know that im actually an RL but more like a CM haha cause i have on paper 2 cells of 20 ppl but in reality it has become 1 cell of 5 peeps. It was rather discouraging la that i have to still come down and get invloved and the numbers are plain pathetic lol. I wanted to rara the cell and do something and like jolt them into action, but i was just unable to. It was like there was alot of inertia and i was going through a period of brokeness and i felt incredibly unable to do anything but attend week after week. It was a sucky feeling. I guess things are changing and today's YA service did remind me that prayer is the key to changing the things that we are disatisfied with.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

I am disatisfied with letting things remain as they are. I am sick of living a passionless and misdirected life. I am fed up of coming to cell and church each week knowing that my guys are not growing. I want to avail myself to be used by God to work the harvest fields and serve the Church. I need to pray.

Having been through a month of internship and working experience, I realise that it is so easy to allow work to occupy my life and to derive my significance from it. Work is also draining and it saps alot of my energy and at the end of the day, i just dont feel like doing anything, including spending time with God. i feel that after a hard day's work i should destress by doing something brainless like watching tv or playing with my xbox. There are so many things id rather do than to pray and wait on God. Argh!

Ive got so many things to grapple with and everything seems to want to dethrone God in my life. Its an uphill task but I thank God that He keeps me and leads me. its also great to have support from Pron and CX and my great chums - Joey, Jeanie & Serene, that have helped me through this season. I am most grateful and blessed for you guys.

Its exciting to be growing again and im looking forward to revival service next week, cause somehow i sense something is brewing haha.

The long bike ride

Today i came home from work (got off on the dot this whole week!) and hit the road. Sry 2miles for pontanging cell today, but it was one of those "be alone" days and i needed time alone to recharge. Plus i had char kway teow and alot of sugar today so i was feeling incredibly urgh.

Today i think i did almost 20 clicks and boy did my butt hurt, even with padded pants. My route was from home, down commonwealth ave all the way till clementi ave 6, then a left down the road pass NUS till i reached west coast park. I looped west coast park then headed for lab park then back up alexandra road pass queensway, church junction and then home. Shack man.

West Coast park brought back alot of fond memories and i havent been back there since dunno when. We had a churhc event there once, but it seems so distant now. I remember when i was 6 or 7 then, I used to stay at jurong east and some weekends my mom would cook stuff like bee hoon and pigs trotters and we'd head to west coast park for a picninc by the beach. Back then the beach was still there but now its marred by the container port grrrr. But the place made me feel warm and fuzzy and i thank God for my great parents. West coast park would be a nice place to bring a date too haha, so in future maybe hahaha.


After west coast was lab park and being friday i knew the cruise ship would leave the harbour, so i just hung around and waited for it. It was a marvelous sight man. The ship was HUGE and it just sailed past the harbour mouth. I havent been on a cruise for a long time now taht i think about it. I think i will go again one day, someday.

BANZAI! zzzzzzzzzz

A Proverbs 31 Girl

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

During the convo on the way home last night, the topic of Proverbs 31 came up and it got me thinking on the kinda girl that id like to marry. Its still a little early to be on the look out but a little prep never hurt nobody muahahahaha.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I guess at the end of the day the girl that id go after is one that puts God and the forefront of her life and has good character and similar values and these are non negotiable haha. All other things i believe can be worked out over the course of the relationship.

Im also wondering why there isnt a proverbs 31 for men as well? I guess the rest of the Bible is meant for us hahaha. But seriously as a guy i feel we have a great responsibility to bear in a relationship on the likes of Ephesians 5 when we are called to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Its truly a calling and its really tough, because it means self sacrificial and passionate love for the beloved.

Becoming an Ephesians 5 guy and Proverbs 31 girl in a relationship will truly be not of our own efforts becasue we are so frail and human and will always fall short. Put 2 people together and theres bound to be conflict and disagreement. I think what keeps a relationship going is that God is the focus and that both sides are committed and understand that there is a need to continuously labour at the relationship to keep it going, through the good and the bad.

In the meantime, ill learn to be content and enjoy this period of singlehood and let God mould and shape me in this season, until he sees fit to bring someone(lucky her hahaha) along in His time.

A slow day

Its a slow afternoon and my manager is meeting the client, so i guess its the calm before the storm. I havent got anything to do, which is a rarity and im enjoying every moment of it. I hope that the client will finally accept our report and not make any ammendments so we wont have to come back to it again cause its becoming a real pain.

Had a good dinner with Serene and Jeanie last night at a quaint jap place in far east. Highlight was the grumpy uncle banging plates and throwing things around. But apart from him, the whole experience was really cool and the food was worth every cent. It was a good time of unwinding and sharing and it helped to break the monotony of the week haha. Thanks guys.

Overwhelmed

Have you ever felt so tired but you just didnt want to sleep because your day felt so empty and unaccomplished that sleeping would put an end to what you could do to change that meaningless day? Have you felt so busy that when you pause and reflect, you wonder what all that rush was about? Have you woken up at the start of the day and felt a sense of overwhelming pain and anguish that threatens to mar your day ahead? These are just some the of experiences that have been dogging me all this while.

But through all this, I am overwhelmed by the Lord's steadfast love. Ive kinda established a routine now, cause the attempt to commune with God at home was just not working out cause it was a rush and all. Now i usually reach office a tad half hour earlier than everyone else and its nice, empty and quiet. Its then i pop up my iTunes and worship and pray. This week with all my burdens, all im doing is just coming before God and plonking all of me down and moan about how miserable my life is haha, and i begin to enter into His sweet presence and gain my strength and perspective for the day.

This week has just picked up and the project im working on refuses to die and go away. The client wasnt really happy with our objective but pessimistic assessment of the oil industry going forward, hence we have to reowork the report and dress it up haha. OTed last night and im prepared to do the same today. The difference between this week and the last is that of focus. Last week i was focused on doing a great report but i guess through the quiet times, ive been able to refocus on God and the work can wait and i trust by faith that somehow if i put God first, that it will workout somehow. So im gonna guard my 8am time really zealously as its where i find my purpose and strength.

I heard this old song a few weeks back and its been ministering to me ever since.

Holiness
Sonicflood

Holiness, holiness is what I long for
Holiness, is what I need
Holiness, holiness is what
Youwant from me

Holiness, holiness is what I long for
Holiness, is what I need
Holiness, holiness is what Youwant from me

So, take my heart and form it
Take my mind and transform it
Take my will and conform it
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord

Faithfulness, faithfulness is what I long for
Faithfulness, is what I need
Faithfulness, faithfulness is what You
want from me

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for
Brokenness, is what I need
Brokenness, brokenness is what You
want from me

2:30

2:30 was the time i left my office this morning.

Its been one heck of a week, clocking 17 hours of overtime to date. The project is coming to a close and the first cut should be out soon. Its Friday 17:25, and im 5 mins away from my official weekend. But i have this feeling that ill have to work on once the boss reviews the draft and indicates changes. The final report is due tomorrow and i forsee another long night slogging away.

We had a fire drill today and boy was it exciting. It was like hide and seek. The fire wardens were trying to get everyone to evacuate but everyone would rather sacrifice their lives and continue working for the firm. Such loyalty and bravery. But I on the other hand believe in self preservation, so my jolly gang and I dutifully walked down 16 floors and proceeded to grab a drink and a nice breather.

Im kinda zonked now and I wondering what my fate is gonna be for the next few hours. I hope I wont be deskbound.

West Texas Intermediate

I am working on a oil industry project now and ive been googling and reading till my eyes are tearing ><. Its an incredibly interesting industry and one that im looking forward to working in. In the course of my research, ive realised that this industry is cylical in nature, meaning its performance is like a wave with ups and downs. The oil industry is in the midst of a supercycle and its the longest cycle we've seen to date. It started back in 2002 after the 911 attacks and hasnt stopped since. Just when u think ive already bored you to death with all this oil talk, i shall add that what goes up will most likely come down and that the current sky high prices are unsustainable.

Well whats the point of my take on the oil industry in general (which most of you wont give 2 hoots about), it is that in a few years the industry is gonna decline in profitability, barring any major shocks, and im gonna be starting work for Shell in half a years time. Im just wondering what my future is gonna be like cause when i signed up with them i thought the boom would persist. In any case i guess i could always go work for PwC for minimum wage hahaha.

Well this week has been a tad bit mad. Worked on Labour Day and I left office at 8pm today bahhhh, cause this project is due on Friday. I forsee that Thursday will be another late day. The best part of it all is that my deliverables consist of only FIVE slides. Wa but the effort and research that goes into the points for each slide is exhausting.

They say every dark cloud has a silver lining and in mine i get to claim OT pay (1.5 x my hourly rate of $3.50/hr) and meal allowance of up to $10. Today i spent that $10 at Basil Alcove with Jon. We had a nice and cheap (according to my relative standard) dinner consisting of a juicy rack of lamb, pan seared duck, bratwurst pasta, ceasar salad and a bottle of Hoegarden for a grand total of $52 (of which $10 is offset from my allowance). Burrrp. Serene > bet wish you were there man ahahaha, you would have loved the lamb lol. We then wanted to watch spidey in action budden leh, the cinema was all packed so i decided to head home and.... DO WORK!! haha.

So after a whole night of ploughing through tables, charts and reports, i decided to write this rather incoherent and random entry. Hope it gives u a snapshot of my life. This crazy schedule is affecting my spiritual life as i am too tired to wake up early to spend time with God. So im gonna find a way around this by spending 15-20 mins before work at my desk just to pray and commit the day to God. I really feel my inadequacy this week and i need to rely on Him. Ok this ends here. I need rest.

BTW: West Texas Intermediate or WTI is a grade of crude oil that is used to price the world's crude oil supply although it only consists of 4% of total world supply. It currently trades at USD$65.71 per barrel. Just thought you might want to know :)