Brokeness

Youth service today was special. It was a time of brokeness.

I've always wondered why the altar is so powerful and why God's presence is so strong at the altar and I guess Pron kinda sumed it up that when we respond in brokeness and acknowledge our need for Him then we are somehow drawn into a deep and intimate fellowship.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Rev 3:20)

Looking back, I really cant remember the last time i responded to an altar call. It has been THAT long haha. Today when the call was given, i really struggled. Several things holding me back were feelings of insecurity of how others might perceive me (zhang lao responding in youth hyak hyak), pride that ive resloved all my issues wrt the breakup, and a desire to pray for others. In the space of a minute or so, i had to resolve these feelings and my true state. And so i went for it and it was as if a dam broke and i was overwhelmed by the presence of God. It was a time of brokeness, healing and restoration, and rather messy haha (reminds me of Ps Doug's descriptions)

It was also heartwarming to see the youths responding and ackowledging their need for God and i believe by faith that a change is underway and there is an undercurrent of revival flowing. We are seeing the results of the prayers of the saints as God moves to shake RAGE up and restore fellowship and power. It has encouraged me to keep on interceeding and serving with purpose and passion.

So as this week beckons, I want to know my Lord more and to become more and more like Him, even if it means blurried eye half past six prayers haha whoo hoo.

Grades

Just got all my grades today and honestly i am somewhat disappointed. The breakdown is as follows:

B+ Strategy
B+ Corporate Reporting
B+ Management Science
A- Managing People at Work

Well in SMU these are mediocre and crap grades. I guess the biggest disappointment was that I know that IF only i had put in a wee bit more effort I definitely could have converted the 3 B+s into A-s given the one or less point difference. I did relatively well last term and this term I could have stood a good chance to get onto the Dean's List for ONCE man, just this once in my entire uni life. Sians kinda sums up how i feel man. This is so gonna drag down my GPA and bring me down from a magna cum laude to a plain vanilla cum laude man.

Most of you reading this will think and say aiyah you've already got a job so why bother man haha. I guess its that driven and competitive nature within me that makes me want to cycle farther, work harder and score higher. Alas this brings me back to down to earth haha.

Many times i wonder, why are some people like Mr Ee able to consistently and EFFORTLESSLY (apparent or percieved) sweep up A+s and As while i have to settle for A-s and Bs man. However as I reflect back on the term, i know that i wasnt really giving my best and only kinda bucked up during the exams when i started cramming. If not for my exams, this term would have turned into an academic disaster. Im trying to cook up excuses and point the blame at my totally uninspiring profs but the responsibility i know is all mine.

At the end of this long whine, its good to know that the saying that "one mountain compare one mountain taller" (yi shan bi yi shan gao) holds true. Its also testing my ability to be content whatever the circumstances and to thank God for everything that has occured irregardless of my expectations. So with that i offer my disappointments and give thanks for the results of my effort, or the lack thereoff hur hur.

Work is great so far and ive been put on a live deal and its incredibly exciting. The only drawback is that im gonna be missing retreat this year cause the project only ends on 11 June. Today i brought home a 1 inch stack of notes that i'll have to plough through over the weekend to familiarise myself with the industry and client. I seriously think im a workaholic, but only if the work interests me. Maybe thats why i've been underperforming in school, see its not my fault haha.

Third Day

Its the third day of my internship at PwC and this half week has been great. A couple of memorable things so far include:

1. Spiritual Disciplines
Decided to get down to practising spiritual disciplines on a daily basis this week and its off to a sputtering start but its getting alot better with each passing day haha. Sleep seems to be the main issue with my realisation that i need to wake up earlier each day to accomplish the disciplines i set out to do. Monday and tues was 7am and this morning was 6.45am, which was still a tad bit of a rush which leads me to conclude that i'll have to wake at 6.30am tomorrow morning pwah.

Even with 3 days, the effort is paying off with my days having clarity and purpose like never before. The draining and absorbing nature of my job (its great fun though which i'll elaborate) also drives me to seek God more as i desire to restore and maintain the relationship with my first love (Rev 2:4) and to die to my will and sinful nature, experiencing the resurrection power of God at work in my life each day. Awesome!

The one thing i still need to work on is writing my journal and that'll be my goal next week. Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.

2. Internship
Great job lousy pay, thats my internship in a nutshell. My job deals with mergers & acquistions and my department does all the work to close the deals, like commercial, financial, legal, tax due diligence etc.

My boss is a rather no nonsense, very professional guy and its rather intimidating to be working under him. However, the plus side is that he made it clear that there wont be any sai kang and ill do the work like the rest of the team, so its great.

My first task while waiting for a project to come by is to do targeting. Basically research on companies with strong fundamentals that might be of interest to private equity investors (ppl with tons of money and want to make more money) and pitch these investment ideas. Its kinda like a marketing tool, so if they bite, they'll prob use our services to close the deal and even if they dont it kinda lets em know we're around and hope they'll call us if they ever need M&A services. So i've spent my last three days doing nothing but trawling thru Thomoson One Banker looking for needles in a haystack. Its awfully draining work but i love it. The research, the analysis; i was born for this hahaha. i cant believe i actually look forward to going to work each day.

So i thank God for this perfect match and i hope to learn whatever i can and be a shining light in the workplace.

Now the only thing bugging me is to find the right timing to ask my boss whether i can take one week no paid leave to go for Retreat man, otherwise Johann will be awfully lonely hahaha. So if ure reading this say a prayer cause he is one serious and stern guy >< .