What are u passionate about?

This has been on my mind for some time and im gonna write as honestly as i can.

Jenn and Joey were talking about passion about a month back over dinner one night and they shared about their passion for the youths and how much they enjoy impacting the lives of the young people. Then Joey asked me what my passion in life was and for a moment i kenna stunn. I couldnt really give and answer to that question.

Ive been in ministry for a very long time, but the last few years were the years i felt "i was there but not there". I was serving but my relationship with God was distant and cold and my ministry was out of my own effort and ability. As a result it was alright organisationally but it lacked power and love.

I realise now that the most important relationship, is our relationship with God. It determines the success of every other relationship and every aspect of our lives. When I was distant , i realised that i had become very self centred and inward looking. The only things that matter were my comfort and enjoyment. As a result ministry became a burden and an additional load on top of school. Instead of drawing me closer to God, it weighed me down. With such an approach, i found it difficult to minister and be there for my boys. I wished i could have hung out more with them, found out how they were doing, made myself available throughout their most formative years and i guess it is a regret that i will always have. But yet i thank God that in spite of my inadequacy and lack of commitment, He still worked in their lives and saw them through. It is a great joy to see the likes of HCH, Sam, Hoho, Tat Wai, Lee He, small and big Josh, Justin all growing and serving.

So, coming back to the question "What am i passionate about?" I guess ive reached a point where i can say that my passion is about knowing my God more and more each day.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Phil 3:10,11)

Its been a struggle as it demands discipline and sacrifice to take time off to seek God and realign my desires and will to His. One thing that i want to grow in is to be able to be still and listen to God's leading and direction in my life and for the ministry.

Through the months i've grown more and more in my walk and i see a change in my character and in the way i love others. I guess its a process of transformation and conforming to the Christ's likeness and i am thankful for it. Really reminds me of Paul who says that there is nothing good within him and all that is good is really because of Christ.

Another area is that of my region. Some of you know that im actually an RL but more like a CM haha cause i have on paper 2 cells of 20 ppl but in reality it has become 1 cell of 5 peeps. It was rather discouraging la that i have to still come down and get invloved and the numbers are plain pathetic lol. I wanted to rara the cell and do something and like jolt them into action, but i was just unable to. It was like there was alot of inertia and i was going through a period of brokeness and i felt incredibly unable to do anything but attend week after week. It was a sucky feeling. I guess things are changing and today's YA service did remind me that prayer is the key to changing the things that we are disatisfied with.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

I am disatisfied with letting things remain as they are. I am sick of living a passionless and misdirected life. I am fed up of coming to cell and church each week knowing that my guys are not growing. I want to avail myself to be used by God to work the harvest fields and serve the Church. I need to pray.

Having been through a month of internship and working experience, I realise that it is so easy to allow work to occupy my life and to derive my significance from it. Work is also draining and it saps alot of my energy and at the end of the day, i just dont feel like doing anything, including spending time with God. i feel that after a hard day's work i should destress by doing something brainless like watching tv or playing with my xbox. There are so many things id rather do than to pray and wait on God. Argh!

Ive got so many things to grapple with and everything seems to want to dethrone God in my life. Its an uphill task but I thank God that He keeps me and leads me. its also great to have support from Pron and CX and my great chums - Joey, Jeanie & Serene, that have helped me through this season. I am most grateful and blessed for you guys.

Its exciting to be growing again and im looking forward to revival service next week, cause somehow i sense something is brewing haha.