Hard lessons

God has been revealing things to me about my heart and it ain't pretty. I'm a thinker and my mind does work pretty much when I'm analysing something and when I'm at it I kinda like it to make sense, be sound and compelling. Nice and well, but there's a part of me that is just so pompous and full of my own intellectual pride.

Was at night class tonight and was grouped to discuss the theological aspects of workplace safety (there was smoking, littering, clearing up in food courts etc) and throughout the discussion I was rather irritated with the other 2 members who just couldn't seem to frame the issue and contribute constructively to a proper analysis and critique of the issue at hand. And so in my heart I battled and struggled and it was hard to adopt an attitude of humility (like in Phil) and love. And after we wrapped up and we just chatted, I found myself really liking them and they were real nice folks. And I just felt an anguish in my soul as to my pride throughout the whole time, though I don't think they kinda detected any condescension or anything haha.

Plus there was cell last week and I was going on arguing about the theological aspect of how God is always fair and all and at the end of it I realised I was probably just trying to parade my intellectual ability. Woe is me! haha. And one thing I realised was that knowledge doesn't change lives. For all the debate we had on the fairness of God, it was all really academic and theoretical., until I heard about someone's struggles and how irrelevant that discussion really was if the tangible love of God was not shown. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Haha. Yes frustration abounds, but well I'm growing haha :)

Unfailing Love

Was on this beach in Danang, Vietnam where my life took a turn for the better. I woke up early each morning and headed to the windswept beach and at the very depths of my desperation I cried out to God to feel His presence again, to get right with Him and to change me at my most ugly state. And He answered and I've never been the same since. Truly He is faithful when we are unfatihful and will have mercy when we turn from our sinful ways and seek Him. I am so grateful for His unfailing love in my life.

My Greatest Fear

This year's theme is worship and the sermons on it have made an impact. Learnt that worship is about lifestyle, not songs and at its essence its making God the only God in our lives. As we journey through there will be antichrists (things/people/teachings that strive to take the place of Christ) and it will be a daily battle to crucify my flesh and take up my cross and follow Him. Which leads me to my greatest fear - that I will succumb to my shadow mission.

Over the past year, God has been revealing more about my calling and purpose and depositing His vision for my life in me. And great things and an abundant life are in store, only if I will obey Him and make Him the only Lord in my life. However, on the flip side I have a shadow mission - the mission that sets itself up against what God has intended for me.

My shadow mission, and my greatest fear is that I will submit to the lure of money, sex and power, all of which are good things, but when pursued as ends in themselves, threaten to derail and corrupt my holy calling. At various points in my life, I've fallen prey and have witnessed their debilitating effect on my life and faith.

So as I journey on, I think this is a good fear to embrace to always remind me of my frailty and how I need to be renewed daily and to choose to worship God and Him alone. So as in the words of Paul,

"I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified."

Bang Bang

Sunday was real exciting cause I got to go shooting with shotguns and pistols as part of the Shooting Sampler Program offered by Singapore Shooting Association, all for $120.

Started the day off at the Bukit Timah Range (middle pic) where we shot clay discs (aka pigeons) with 12 gauge (last pic) shotguns. Fired off about 20 rounds and probably hit like 8-10 targets. Not that easy as the aim is more feel than accuracy as opposed to rifle shooting. Had some problems at the start but once I corrected my aiming method, I was consistently hitting the targets. Woot! Its really gratifying to pull the trigger and hear the boom and see the clay pigeon shatter, concluding with the acrid smell of cordite. Pure bliss haha. I'll probably head back one day, especially after a tough week haha. Great stress relief.

Pistols were a little harder as the sights and all were trickier to master. Shot a HK USP, Beretta 92 and a CZ something. Great experience and I finally get to shoot the guns in real life as opposed to the games. Btw the Beretta is one piece of crap. Loved the USP, loaded well, very stable and predictable and real accurate.

Weary

Just off a telecon, though I'm home on MC. Down with a mild cold with a sore throat and fatigue zzz. Think the fatigue has sapped me much and its affecting my relationship with God. I just didn't feel like connecting and spending time with Him and it left me feeling really empty. Struggled through today to enter His presence and to feel Him near again. But then I realized, that there isn't anything I can do to enter into His presence, except to depend on Him and not on my own piousness. So I yielded and placed my dependence on Him and asked that He would just come in and take His rightful place, and then I felt Him near again.

Think its always a struggle to depend on my own strength and ability to see me through life and that really is sin, to think i can make it on my own. So just gonna take time to wait on Him and just tarry in His presence.

Char Siew DIY

Came back after a long day and I was pooped. Think I'm falling sick. And as much as I wanted to rest, there was 2 strips of pork marinating in my fidge since Sunday and thus I had to force myself to grill it.

So heres the end product after 1.5 hours of grilling and washing up. Now I know why they give so little char siew, cause the meat just shrank and all I had left was like 15 slices. Of course I "tested" some in the process of cutting haha.

A little salty but overall pretty nice. Will use less ready marinade the next time in favour of a homemead brew.

To you... Best Friend ;)

More of You

This post marks the end of a long break from work when I worked a grand total of 4.5 days over the last 2 weeks. Tomorrow I'll be back to my job in the new year, busy with tidying up and handing over the last bits of my portfolio and managing the transition of outstanding issues. I've got several projects that I'll need to complete in the meantime as well. Will work for another 6 more weeks before I head up to KL for my 1 week Shell Life course, and good ol KL Hokkien Mee haha.

The year has been good thus far and lately, Ive been stirred in my spirit for more of God, to experience more of Him in 2009. Sure there'll be things to do and growth to aim for, but my heart's desire is to really know Him so much more, to taste and see for myself that He is good. I desire more than knowing about Him and I want to experience His presence throughout my days, to commune with Him and have Him direct my path according to His will. I desire to seek that dunamis power that the gospel promises, that my life might be transformed and to be able to testify of that impact and to allow others to have a tangible experience of the power of the gospel. Paul says in Acts 1:16 that he isnt ashamed of the gospel because it is the power of God for the salvation of those who believe. And the reason why he could boldly proclaim the gospel was because he experienced its power and knew without a doubt that this was the real deal.

So I'm planning to just remember all that God has done for me and in me and I'm sure that at the end, I'll have a really powerful testimony to share. Also I'm gonna crave for more of Him, to walk in the supernatural, to leap off the cliff in faith and to really ask that He let me get out of the boat and onto the water. This is my prayer for 2009.

"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!" Phil 3:10-11