Gratitude

I know ive been whining about how the exams are such a burden and all and how tired i am about all this. I brought it before God this morning and He reminded me of my privilege to study. I was reminded that i am studying because God allowed me to, in order that i might fulfill His plan through my life. I am not studying for grades or a job, i am doing all this for so much more. It was then that i managed to see the bigger picture and it did make sense. Makes you feel kinda silly when you missed the mark haha. I thank God for bringing me thus far and i know I didnt give my best this term. Its a lesson that i'll take to heart and to do everything for His glory.

My Last Week 14

Its the end of Week 14 of school and its the last of it. Come Monday, the onslaught of the exams will reveal the depth and breadth of my knowledge, or more likely the lack of it. Somehow the only memorable thing i learnt this week is that Habakkuk means vegetable haha.

On Habakkuk, was really surprised after the seminar on Thursday when Hann brought out a gingerbread man with a candle stuck in its nose and celebrated my birthday (22 Nov haha). It was awesome cause all ive been doing each day is studying(shaddup! i try). Thanks Jeanie for the gingerbreadman, still remember the super amusing scene in Shrek 3 haha. Well of course i proceeded to eat the poor fellow from limb to limb, really gratifying. Got a very nice card too. oh received a card from CS and E last week too. So thanks to you all who made it memorable. Much appreciated.

Bought 3 Chet Baker albums yesterday, really getting into the Christmas mood with the laidback melancholic and mellow jazz tunes. Been awhile since i bought jazz CDs. Wanna catch The Kingdom too, by the same guy who wrote Lions for Lambs. Want to go fishing/crabbing and start taking photos again. Oh when will life begin?

Back to work now...

2 Weeks

Thats the time i have left till i finish my formal education. This week will be my study break and the following week will be the exams. Its gonna be a last burst to the finish line and Ive scarce much energy and drive left. I feel like walking out and calling it quits, guess "sian" adequately sums up how i feel. However, i know that it really isn't gonna be for myself that im gonna be working the next couple of weeks, rather im trying to do it for His glory.

Planning my timeline seems to be an exercise in futility haha cause i dun think i could possibly cover everything and that irritates and demoralises me mucho. Guess ill just have to do what i can and let go of what i cant.

So as i begin these 2 last weeks, i covet your prayers that ill be able to do my best and be able to encounter God through this period. Thanks.

Rivers and Deserts

I've been blessed by encouragement in response to the previous posts and im immensely thankful. I guess posting acts as a release and also a way to chronicle this journey, so that in recollection, I can see God's providence and plan unfold, that I may remember my Creator in the days of my youth haha. Things have indeed been better and i guess this sorta thing, one just has to ride it out and the clouds soon break.

Bought a new old CD, Sonicflood - The Early Years. Well its a re-release of their 1996 songs, almost 11 years man! This was the stuff i used to listen and worship to in secondary school and it brings back tons of memories. But above and all this, this song reminds me of the deserts and rivers ive experienced through my walk and all the people that have played a role in my life, and I do hope that I might be that to someone in whatever period and season. Its been great thus far and I pray i'll continue to run with purpose and passion, to receive the crown at the end.


I Have Come to Worship You
Sonicflood

Many mighty rivers have I crossed
Many barren deserts have I seen
And still my heart beats strong
For You, oh Lord
For You have been my shelter
I all of my need

I have come to worship You
Oh, and I have come to worship You

A willing soul and a thankful heart
To find a holy passion just for You
And turn away from the things
That break Your heart
And live my life of sacrifice
Just for You

For only You are worthy
Only You are worthy
Only You are worthy
Of the praise this heart brings

Faith

Of late my faith has been tested with bouts of loneliness and melancholy. Its still a pretty foreign feeling and I cant say im really adept at dealing with it. Its mighty unsettling.

In the course of the testing of my faith i've realised that there are 2 aspects to faith. This isnt based on scripture per se, just my personal rationalising. The first being the conviction of one's belief and the second the nature of the object/person of belief. Im struggling with the latter. Let me explain.

Throughout my Christian walk, ive always been sure of my belief in God and I considered my faith pretty unmovable or strong. In most aspects i think it holds true. However, when reconciled with my recent state of despair, I realised a deficiency of sorts. If it wasnt the strength of my belief then what was the root of my weakness? It dawned on me in service that I've made God too small in my eyes. Sure my belief in Him was strong, but what would that matter if I didnt believe He could do anything and everything.

I've never seen an actual demonstration of God's power, and my knowledge is only secondary. As such, in my mind I never truly believe or realised my God is the God of possibilities and this has limited many aspects of my walk. It affects my worship, prayer and daily walk. I guess I believe fervently and dogmatically in a God who says , or others say is powerful. I kinda never really internalised this concept of an omnipotent Jehovah.

I think it'll take time to grow through this, and its a new challenge to my walk. I can only ask God to open my eyes and my mind and to read the Word for a fresh perspective. Its something I believe will unlock something deep within, when Im able to say with complete conviction that my god is powerful and He can do anything. may the Lord guide my in my journey to know Him more and in yours too.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ... And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."