Afternoons with Lionel

Cooking Chicken nudle soup tonight - bones, thighs, carrot, celery, onions, tomatoes and 11 secret herbs and spices (well maybe 2-3 only la, but still rockingly secretly good)

Listening to Zee Avi, dun really understand her songs but like the vibe.

Planning a road trip. Dickson oh Dickson.

Dreaming of my home, parquet, glass, brick walls. Lofty thoughts.

Wednesday Morning Randoms

New monitor delivered today. 20 inch widescreen haha, I forsee a better future with Photoshop.

Job offer is in, will be meeting the new boss next Tuesday for a Financial Analyst job with Retail. Can't wait. Job description sounds interesting with a focus on investment proposal reviews and mangement information. Will have to see how things pan out eventually.

This blog is becoming twitterisque. But short and sharp is the flavour of the moment.

Much to do in preparing for 1 Tim and Gal 5-6 lessons.

Wanna get down to working on brushing up on financial statement analysis and forecasting methods.

Walked past Bukit Timah canal last night and it was a sight to behold. Hope I'll get to paddle in it one day haha.

Had puffer fish/Fugu sushi last night and it was... well unremarkable, rather tasteless actually. Guess it was only the novelty of sudden death that made the experience interesting haha.

Building Deep

The "One Thing" I took away from IDMC was God's leading to build deep in Him through prayer with a renewed theology. I realized the shallow-ness of my life and how I've been dependent on my talents and abilities rather than a complete dependence on God.

Prayer has never been a paramount concern for me except in crisis or for ministry enablement. However, prayer is for us to be attuned to the heart of God, to get to know Him, to have our appetites and lives transformed and it is the means by which we have our relationship with God - in essence our lifeline.

Thus this marks a new journey of reprioritising my life and to devote time to what is of true importance - building deep.

Randoms

had our first YAYP transition meeting last night and it was good just trashing things out and talking. Looks to be an interesting time ahead.

Bought a new monitor from Dell online. Too lazy to head down to Sim Lim. Love buying new stuff haha. My current monitor's black colour is acting up.

Tonight is the start of CEFC's Knowing God Conference. Man we signed up almost a year back and time has gone by. Can't wait for it man whoots.

Rhema planning is underway and I'm handling the foreign delegates and mementos. Gonna be a PR person cum tour guide haha.

The Last Shall Be First

Just finished reading Genesis and it made me wonder about the way God works.

Like how God chose Judah as the one from whom the Messiah will eventually come from thoughJudah wasn't the firstborn and while he had some good qualities but he wasn't perfect either. How Ephraim the younger was blessed ahead of Manesseh, Jacob over Esau and Issac over Ishmael.

I don't think there is a clear explanation for why things are this way except that God may be demonstrating a principle that He chooses the weak to demonstrate His power and His glory. It is indeed humbling.

Isolation

The past couple of months have been rather disorienting, with God seemingly close at times and uncomfortably distant at others. I felt rather lost and unsure of myself; whether I was doing anything wrong or what I could do right to reconnect with God. When God was near life had purpose and passion, when He withdrew, despondency and temptation grew strong.

Only just yesterday, did God reveal through a book that there are times when God places His people in isolation, where ministry and activities are taken away. In times like these, the focus shifts from doing to being and it is a time of intense character building with God tailoring specific lessons to teach and prepare us for His purposes.

Last year was a year of effectiveness, culminating in pushing Rhema to new heights, excelling at work and so on and I was ready for all God had in store for me, or rather more of what I thought God had in store for me. But it was not to be and I stepped down from formal ministry and took a leave of absence from work. It was great at first as I was occupied with work that allowed me to grow in the Word. However all that changed when I finished my last task of preparing the Philippians cell kit in June. Due to a mixture of fatigue and a desire to go back to work, I began to slack off in my walk and things went downhill and led to my state of despondency. It was a struggle to find meaning and purpose and I was restless to do something, anything! Tried reading and learning about the Oil and Gas industry, informed my HR that I'd wanted to go back, trained for my triathlon, anything to keep my mind sane haha, but nothing really helped cause I knew it was my relationship with God that mattered.

So bit by bit I had to come back to seeking God and I didn't feel connected initially and it was a series of spurts and stops. I still didn't know why I was going through all these and I was thinking, maybe God has rejected me? My faith was tested and I guess I was just plodding along slowly and at times just hanging on. But as I was reading The Making of a Leader by Robert Clinton, I began to discover the different development stages and processes God uses to mold and shape us and things began to become clear in retrospect. God wasn't sadistic or absent, rather this was a period that He had subjected me to to teach me things and it was necessary to stop trying to accomplish things but to reflect and meditate on all that as and is happening to learn the lessons. That really set me free to be at peace with where I am and to turn the focus back to God from my circumstances.

In this season of isolation, I have learnt the importance of my relationship with God, dependency on Him, character, patience, divine guidance, resisting temptation, the Word as the foundation for ministry, ministry is about relationships, a mentor has to be gracious with his mentees' shortcomings, ministry is first in the supernatural then the physical (prayer than service), timing, faith and trust, articulating my ministry philosophy, identifying and applying godly principles, my worth is in whose I am and I not who I am. This has been a maturing and deepening process and I could have easily missed what God was doing in my life and gone my own way. For that I am truly thankful and grateful to God, for Pron who has given me insights from time to time and jean for the listening ear and constant support. I don't know how long more this will last and I'm just trusting that when God's time is up, He will lead me on. SDG.

Book Affair

I have a penchant for books and it was confirmed today again. I realised that I have never left SKS empty handed for awhile now, even if its going there without any intention to buy anything, I somehow leave with a good book haha. Books are my bag and shoes man.

Picked up a copy of Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, edited by Piper. Looks to be a promising read as I've been interested in the theology of sex. We're all sexual beings and this is an area that needs to be addressed, both in singlehood and marriage. At the core of who we are, we are sexual beings. So yeah looking forward to getting my hands on it. Still got many others in the queue haha.

Complete Surrender

As I near the end of the ardous experience of writing the cell kit for the book of Philippians, I just sense that God has so much in store in the days to come as the Pauline Epistles are taught. It is really amazing to see what made Paul tick and what really drove him. His motto was really to know Him and make Him known, like our Church's (thank God for Grace!) and something I've decided to make my very own.

Reading and understanding Paul, one cannot help but be pressed to decide whether to live completely for Christ or live the life of a hypocrite. To Paul, religiousity is dead and can do nothing but to encumber the believer. Only the decision to live a crucifed life modelled after our Lord's, will the believer find true satisfaction and purpose. There really is no sitting on the fence.

With the end of this cell kit, it is seemingly pointing to a close of this phase of my life. Looking back, God has been working radically in me through the adversities, joys and His Word to transform me more and more into His likeness. Somehow my heartbeat has shifted from wanting to be successful at completing tasks, to making a difference in the lives of others, something I could never have imagined a year back. I yearn for souls to know Him, for young people to embrace living the Way of the Cross with no turning back, on fire and totally commited to the cause of Christ.

The next chapter of my life looks to be getting ready to get back to the marketplace. To build up my professional competencies so that I can gain influence where I'll work next. That is my pastorate, to serve them and lead them to the saving knowledge of God. Ministry will also shift from doing work to being relational, not sure where yet though. Things are slowly taking shape and getting clearer and clearer.

God has been granting me vision, not the prophetic kind per se, but the life and blood of leadership. To dream big, to see where God is moving and to undergird it all with prayer and dependence on Him. I am excited as to where He is leading me to accomplish more and more for Him.

A Believer's Life

Had a thought as I was preparing to write the cell kit on the book of Philippians, on the purpose of a believer's life and God has begun to show me more. Like a diamond being cut, as the facets emerge, they reflect more and more of the glorious wisdom and plan of God.

The believer's end is to be conformed to the likeness of Christ

The goal in life is to know Christ. More than a cognitive exercise but a complete and relational one.

As one's love increases in knowledge and in depth of insight, the gap between one's mortal state and Christ's nature widens ever more, creating an anguish and a God given desire to press on to become more and more like Christ. This is probably the start of the cycle in the process of transformation.

A believer is transformed through dependence on God and effected by the resurrection power of the Holy Spirit at work in his life.

The result of this is pleasure to God and the believer's life bearing witness to the love and power of God, bringing Him praise and glory and causing the unbeliever to come to knowledge of God.

Retreat 2009

Knuckle and Beer

Had a great time with my SMU buds, catching up over dinner and beer at Paulaner. Only downside was that there was just too much Pork Knuckle and we felt really porky after awhile haha. Was good catching up and reminiscing on the old days.

Horses & Breakfast

Had the opportunity to have breakfast with Jean at Rider's on Tues to celebrate 2 months. It was a nice lazy morning with good food, a laidback vibe and wonderful conversation. A memorable experience indeed.

Amazed

This pic kinda captures abit of what happens in our relationship - amazement haha! I'm constantly amazed about the stuff we're learning about each other and ourselves. It's really a journey of discovery and there are times when it gets challenging and times when it all feels so right.

Sapped

Today Ma was being really tough and stubborn and resisted everything that I was trying to do for her own good. I tried in vain to rationalise and explain to her that going for therapy and all is for her own good and all she did was get frustrated and stubborn. It was difficult at that moment to continue being patient and loving but somehow deep within there was a strong desire to keep loving through it all.

Guess God is showing me how far I've come and the work He has done in my life, from doing acts out of duty and obligation to doing so from a heart of love and what a difference. Today even as I struggle in my life, I trust and put my faith in a "new" Christ and fiath, in whom I've known more and more through the Spirit's teaching of His word. It has helped me to have a living relationship with God and I realise the things I do, I do because of our relationship rather than mere obedience. Truly I see the law of the Spirit of Christ at work in me as opposed to the law of sin and death.

To Fight the Good Fight

Lately I've become contented with the life I'm living and the strife within me is dissipating gradually. This year is such a stark contrast from the previous year's busyness. I struggled with my significance and achievements and God has been reminding me that He is working in me so that He can work through me. It's a hard lesson for a guy to learn, given that we find our identity in our accomplishments and things we succeed in.

Through this season of taking care of Mom, God has taught me what it means to love. I've seen myself progressed from being very detached in supporting her, to really loving her well. It's truly God's way of experiential learning, and that obedience is first learnt then taught. I'm not very involved in ministry this year and it's a good opportunity to build the substructure of my inner life, to allow God to shape, mold and form my character, which is almost never an easy process. I've seen really ugly sides of me as the Spirit reveals and deals with and it makes me groan like Paul that "What a wretched man I am!" haha.

As I was preparing 1 Timothy for the guys mentoring, I was able to understand Paul's charge to Timothy to "fight the good fight" better. As Timothy was faced with a difficult time in having to correct the problems in the Ephesian Church leadership, Paul reminded Timothy of his responsibility and to persevere in both his ministry and life, of which there is no distinction. The phrase translated literally means to "war the good warfare" and it is really of a soldier fighting well to emerge victorious in a war, not just a single fight. Metaphorically, it is a reminder that we need to endure hardship and difficulties in this life of constant spiritual conflict and to stay true to our calling. I think it was Paul's way of slapping Timothy on his back and urging him to fight on with all he had as a good soldier. It is a great encouragement to me, to press on likewise and to give all I got in the service of my Lord.

How Now Should I live

Read the epistle of Philippians today and somehow there seems to be a common thread amongst all of em epistles on the goal of life - that God desires us to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. That when the believer realises the mercy, grace and extent of the love of God, then he will be moved to ask "How now should I live?"

Philippians talks about imitating Christ in attitude as opposed to false religiosity and it's truly a high calling. Again Paul exhorts the Philippians to "conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ", highlighting the transforming power of the gospel. I guess it takes the gospel to a level of greater appreciation in my life, over and above the four spiritual laws or Bridge to Life. It really is God's desire to redeem this fallen world.

So why are we saved? Well really it is to grow more and more to be like Christ and to labour for the cause of this gospel as God's plan for the redemption humanity.

Our Calling

I'm currently reading the epistle of Ephesians for 2 days already and it has been an awesome experience. Learnt to read the entire epistle at one go to understand its whole and to bear the intent of the author and the issues beset by the recpients to get a fuller understanding. The Holy Spirit has been giving me revelation after revelation and it just goes so deep into my inner man. Truly the Word of God is living and active!

A main focus of the epistle is calling and i've been mulling over this term; what is the calling of every believer? In the past I used to associate it with God's will for our lives, like "my calling is to Africa." Well thats more of a specific will of God, but in the Bible (with my limited understanding), it seems calling just simply refers to God calling us out of this world and into salvation, to live as aliens and strangers in this world, with the ultimate purpose of proclaiming praise of His glory and grace (c.f 1 Peter 2). And Paul elaborates both here and in other epistles, like Romans, on how great the mystery of the gospel that has been revealed, that God predestined befor all of eternity that we are to be adopted as sons and conformed to the likeness of His son, that is the will of God (c.f Romans 8).

So this begets the question, "how now should we live?" the answer is to live lives "worthy of the calling." 

Will be mulling more and I'll try to post more stuff that I learn. 

Soul Satisfaction

I've been struggling alot for the past few weeks with finding my sole satisfaction in Christ alone. For most parts I've acknowledged this fact cognitively, yet I find it so hard to really come to God for satisfaction, most often choosing to find pleasure in food, games, activities, accomplishments etc. It's a battle that is most wearisome but yet I know I must persevere, for all other pleasure have proved illusory and less than satisfying. 

Over this weekend, hearing Bonke and Ronald speak, I marvel at the message of the gospel at its simplicity and foolishness to the world. The gospel just states that I am a sinner from birth and in my present course I am unable to do any good because I am trapped in my sinful (Romans 3:23) and wreteched state and am on a course bound for destruction (Romans 6:23). But God so loved the world (John 3:16) and wants all men to be saved (1 Tim 2:4-5) that He sent Jesus to die as punishment for our sins to fulfil His righteous requirement (Rom 3:25). Now that the act of atonement is finished, whoever believes in Him, dies like Christ to the sinful nature and is raised to a new life in Christ (Rom 6:4). Our nature is changed from sinful to righteous (Rom 8:9-11). So now when we sin, it is an anomaly rather than the norm and we are in the process of being transformed from glory to glory all the while hoping and awaiting the final day when we are glorified with Him (Rom 8:23-25). What a privilege and blessing to be able to share in this life with Christ!

Help me Lord to share your gospel and let not fear or shame deter me.

Relief

Woke up this morning to a feeling I haven't had in awhile. The feeling of unbridled joy and a lack of the pressures and load of circumstances that have been weighing me down. It feels so good and such a relief to just be able to look forward into the day with anticipation and joy.

The release came in the midst of the 3rd song at last night's rally, when I just felt God's presence come over me and overwhelm me. I just sat down and wept like there were multiple implosions within my spirit man, like a parched soul drinking water after a long long time. God just unloaded all my fears, frustrations and sadness. 

Been feeling like all this while, I'm just living for others and I'm giving up so much to stay at home, doing ministry etc and though I know it matters, I just felt so boxed in, so weary of it all. Worse still I know that I'm just not able to rebel and throw it all off and just live my own selfish life but yet so torn within. And so I've been trudging on and ambling by bit by bit, dying slowly within and just coming to the end of myself. Until God broke through.

The release was just a reminder that nothing can ever satisfy or be the solution apart from Christ. That in my weakness, His strength is made perfect. And so I learnt once again how feeble I am and how magnificent God is and I am truly grateful and in awe of His grace and mercy. It both elevates and humbles and truly there is nothing good in me apart from Christ. 

In this season, I'm still in the wilderness, without clear direction and drive and i've leanrt to trust that nothing can seperate me from God's love and to continue to faithfully seek and abide in spite of the seemingly lack of stuff to do. It's a time of being and I'm learning to bide quietly in the Master's presence.

The Chef

Spent time over at Jean's on Sat and we decided to prepare a simple meal of Sushi, Cha Soba and Roast Chicken with a homemade tomato mushroom sauce. That's her cooking the sauce haha. Had great fun just doing stuff together and cooking. Went out after and the last pic was of us at 3 am at Tiong Bahru Macs, half dead from fatigue while waiting for her bro to come by haha. A great Saturday indeed.