Sinner Saint

2009 is coming to a close and the pace has slowed considerably with the end of Rhema and getting a handle on my work. With that, I'm now able to take a short breather to blog abut the comin and going of the last few weeks.

Was reather strectched with work and planning and executing Rhema and I was just plain exhausted. Took the weekend to chill and just catch up on sleep and playing COD Modern Warfare 2 (Rawks!) haha.

I've grown in my spirituality and I look at QT not so much as a ritual or a way to earn God's favor but to keep company with God. It is a necessity, yet from the moment I wake, everything seeks to engage and draw me away from just being with God. I do not know why I prefer to just mindlessly busy myself and there's some sort of fear and anxiety to just wait on God, probably casue I feel time could be better spent elsewhere or dreading the possibility that God may not answer. I really couldn't fathom why. But its made me rethink QT and I guess the less I see it as a ritual and requirement, the more I want to spend time, even with short moments through the day.

Whilst working on Rhema, I had to face my human limitations and sinful nature and that drove me to prayer. Yet most times it was to get God to get something done. I didnt really feel very connected and my soul was sapped. I didnt want to be so utilitarian with God, but yet getting the job doen was a major peroccupation. Sigh.

Recently, I've become more aware of my sinful nature and my imperfections and its humbling. But it makes me appreciate and experience the grace of God. My heart aches for my sin, yet another part of me craves to satisfy my sinful nature, to please my flesh. It is a struggle to be most satisfied in God. God please change my appetites and allow me to experience your ressurection power that I may grow to be more like Christ.

Am being humbled also in my realtionship with Jean. To be challenged to love deeper and serve more. To die to myself and be perfected in my love. To be humbled of my pride and feelings of superiority. To lead in service and to esteem her. I feel so very inadequate compared to the call that God set before me.

As I was preparing for my workshop on being a Workplace Beacon, I sought God for His masterplan, His general call for our lives as chidlren of God and I learnt that our primary call above all else is to God's plan to reconcile man to Himself. We are entrusted with this ministry of reconciliation. Heard it preached on Sun by Ps KM and it was a good reminder. May this be my goal and pursuit in life, to know God and make Him known.

Thought about the difference between Christianity and other religions this morning. Read about this Malay actress whois gonna get caned cause she drank beer. Guess the main difference is that we believe that we should do good because we have been transformed and should live up to our new nature, though it is in the state of being perfected - we should do good cause we can. Whereas most religions I guess stipulate laws, measures and reuqirements and prescribe rewards and punishments to induce good behaviour, and strive to attain a standard by their own merit. We however, realise that there is nothing we can do to achieve perfection and everything is because of what God has done and we are the reciepients of His grace. It is a liberating and most humbling thought.

So quite a string of mini reflections. Glad I've got the time to note them down :)